Nightmare
by SVUFan16
Summary: Post Beast's Obsessions. What if things had ended differently, and Olivia is left with something she will truly never forget?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own SVU

Chapter One:

Pregnant. Pregnant. She shook the stick in her hand hoping the results would change but it still read pregnant. She felt sick, light-headed, and scared. Tears began to well in her eyes then spilled down her cheeks.

"_I'm pregnant"_ Olivia whispered to herself in the privacy of her own bathroom. She placed the test on the sink, covered her mouth with her hand and slid down to the floor, sobbing.

In any other situation, she would have been rejoicing, she would have been happy. She wanted a baby for so long, as long as she could remember. But this, this was different. She was pregnant with William Lewis's child. The thought alone made her nauseous. William Lewis was still haunting her, even in death.

She didn't know what she was going to do. What could she do? She knew abortion wasn't an option. Would she be able to carry this baby? Give birth? Raise it? She was living in a one bedroom apartment. She would certainly have to move. She wasn't sure she would be able to afford that. There were so many factors to this baby.

Olivia's cell phone rang in the other room. She quickly wiped her eyes with her sleeve and pushed herself off the floor. She walked into the main living space and grabbed her iPhone off the breakfast bar. She checked the caller ID and saw it was her partner Nick Amaro.

She sighed "Hello?"

"_Hey Liv, how are you feeling?"_

"Fine, Nick" he had called her everyday since she went on leave from work and asked her the same question.

"_Good, good… you ready to come back to work tomorrow?"_

She sighed again, rubbing her temple with her free hand. She had completely forgotten that she was due back at work tomorrow.

"Yeah, I'm ready"

"_You sure? You could always take more ti-"_

"I'm fine, Nick" she snapped "I'm sorry" she knew he was only trying to help.

"_It's okay...I was just calling to check up, I'll see you at work tomorrow, Liv"_

"See you tomorrow, Nick" she hung up her phone and sat on her couch, sinking into the soft cushions, thinking about what her life will be like now that she is expecting.

She looked around her dim apartment that she lived in by herself. Brian had moved out right before Lewis attacked her. She didn't have any family, aside from Simon, but she hadn't heard from him since the incident with his children. She was going to be going through this pregnancy all alone. She sighed, tears welling up in her eyes again. She had an appointment with Dr. Lindstrom next week. She might have to push that up, she didn't think she would be able to wait that long. She walked over to the breakfast bar and wrote on a sticky note saying _move appointment. _

She sighed and looked at the time, it was only 7:34. She already had everything clean and ready for her first day back on the job since her attack, she decided she would just watch some mind numbing television. She turned on the television and walked to get a glass of wine. She stopped dead in her tracks when she remembered she was pregnant, and pregnant women can't drink.

She sighed heavily and ran her fingers through her hair, then plopped down on the couch. She watched hours of nonsense on TV and she eventually ended up falling asleep on the couch.

Olivia walked through the doors of the 16th Precinct, and put on a wobbly smile at the sight in front of her. Her team members were holding a bouquet of roses and a box of cupcakes from her favorite bakery.

She walked up to her desk, surrounded by by Amanda, Fin, and Nick.

"Remembered the cupcakes this time" Amanda smiled, and pointed towards the box.

"Thank you..so much" Olivia smiled and nodded her head.

Nick cautiously touched Olivia's shoulder "Welcome back, Liv"

"Thank you" she mouthed.

She slowly walked past them into her office, her heart pounding for a reason that was unknown to her. The last time she was in this office, she was shaken, but she was not as damaged as she was now. She wished that William Lewis didn't possess so much power over her. She set her things down and felt a wave of nausea take over her. She dry heaved without noticing that Amanda, Nick and Fin were still watching her, holding her cupcakes and flowers.

Nick gave Amanda and Fin a look, and with that they walked away, while Nick went in.

"Hey, are you sure you're feeling okay?" Nick asked "You know you could always take more time if you need it"

Olivia looked up at Nick and gave a small smile, "I'm fine, just nervous to be back, I guess"

Nick didn't want to push, and left it at that "Okay, well just let me know if you need anything"

"Thanks" she said with a nod, and looked down her the papers on her desk, pretending to be preoccupied, when really paperwork was the last thing she had on her mind.

Nick hesitantly began to walk out of her office when Fin burst in. "Hey Liv, we got a new case, victim is already at Mercy"

Olivia sighed, and grabbed her things, and with that, she was out the door with her team.

A/N: Hello readers! I just want you guys to leave me a review and tell me what you think and if you want me to continue. Also if you have any suggestions for the story, please let me know in a review or a message, thanks!


	2. Chapter 2

Hi guys! It's been a long time since I updated this story, I apologize. But I'm finally ready to move forward with this! I have a lot of ideas that I can't wait to share with you guys. Let me know what you think.

Chapter Two:

Dr. Lindstrom looked at her, mouth agape, shocked.

"You're pregnant?" Even he couldn't hide his shock and surprise at the revelation.

She briefly stopped twisting her hands and glanced at him before she began picking at invisible lint on her pants.

"Yeah" she replied, emotionless. Olivia had known she was pregnant for three weeks now. She had even had her first sonogram. A little blip on the screen that would soon develop into her child. When she saw the baby, she thought she was going to be sick.

Olivia wanted to be excited, for the birth of her first child, she really did. But she was too consumed with the fact that it belonged to Lewis.

She looked at Lindstrom again. "I got my due date," she paused "January 24th."

"How are you feeling about this? Excited, scared…" Lindstrom trailed off.

"Terrified," she shook her head. "I'm carrying William Lewis' child. I...I…". Tears began to well up into her eyes. She hated crying during her sessions, but she felt them fill up her eyes and spill down her cheeks. She tried to quickly wipe them away, but they were pouring out too fast at this point.

"I don't know if I can do this" she sighed, emotion in her voice.

"Are you talking about abortion?"

"I don't know, maybe!" Olivia stood up and began pacing around the room.

"Do you think that, an abortion would be healing?" Lindstrom pressed.

Olivia stopped pacing and looked at Lindstrom. "I don't think anything about this is _healing" _Olivia hissed.

"Sorry" she sighed.

"It's okay," he said, leaning forward in his chair deeply intrigued. "What about adoption?"

Adoption. That would be the cruelest joke in Olivia's life. All the years she longed for a family, tried to adopt. Only to be rejected, and now, she has this baby growing within her. A baby that she wished that she was happy about, a baby that she wished she didn't fear.

"I've been thinking about it. I've been checking out some agencies"

"Open adoption, closed adoption?" he pressed

"I don't even know if I want to give it up for adoption. I just don't know." she said rubbing her temple.

"How far along?" he said with a slight smile.

"12 weeks"

Olivia smoothed her loose-fitting shirt down, and revealed a small, but prominent bump.

"Your showing!" he exclaimed.

She snorted. Yes she was showing, but luckily, not enough. She was already having a hard time hiding the pregnancy from her squad. Lately, Fin had been making light hearted jabs about her reduced coffee intake. Amanda had mentioned to her in private about her frequent bathroom visits. She then told her that she too struggled with bladder infections, and that she should see a doctor as soon as possible. And finally, Nick, the man who has stuck by her side through everything. Checking up on her, making sure she's okay, of course, is always around during her battles with morning sickness.

Nick was most definitely suspicious, but he kept to himself, not wanting to upset Olivia.

"Yeah," she let her shirt flow loosely around her belly once again. "It's only going to get harder to hide."

"Then don't"

"Don't what?"

"Don't hide the pregnancy" Lindstrom replied

Olivia looked like she was contemplating the idea. She would eventually have to tell her squad, as she would have to take maternity leave and start looking for a new temporary commanding officer. Soon, her belly would be too big to hide behind loose shirts and big sweaters. She figured, maybe it was for the best. Ripping off the bandage, getting it over with. But the humiliation would be too great. She couldn't even think of a way to tell them. She could see it now. Their eyes filled with pity and sadness. Day by day as she grew more heavy with her child, being stared at by other cops and detectives at the precinct, feeling sorrow for her as she carried her rapist's child. The sex cop, who was raped and impregnated by her attacker. How cruel. She shuddered at the thought.

But that was the reality of the situation. If she chose to carry this child, that would be her life. She felt light headed at the thought.

"You have nothing to be embarrassed about" Lindstrom said, almost as if he were reading her mind.

"I do," she began "I'm supposed to help victims, stop rapists...Who's going to not pity me? Who's going to believe I'm strong enough to get through this without breaking down? How am I supposed to help victims, when I can't even help myself."

"Olivia, you're good at your job, regardless of your situation"

"I'm afraid" she admitted.

"All first time parents are"

"This is different…I'm alone...I…" she couldn't form a coherent thought.

"You know Olivia, you are a lot stronger than you think"

She didn't reply, she just shook her head.

"I'm afraid of the baby" she clarified.

"What do you mean?"

"I'm afraid, that it will end up...demented, like Lewis was…" she trailed off.

"Are you anything like your father?"

Her heart skipped a beat. "No" she replied firmly and quickly.

"As long as you raise your baby with good morals, they will be fine. You're going to be a great mother."

"Lewis and my father, are two different monsters," she began "my father was a disgusting man, but Lewis...he was a sadist, and his father was too. I'm afraid, that it will be passed along to my child."

"Olivia, genes don't determine your baby's personality. It is all in the way that you raise them. And I know you will raise them well." he smiled "our time is up for today."

She stood up and grabbed her jacket, she thanked Lindstrom, and began to walk to the door.

"Olivia," he called out.

She turned around.

"I know you can do this. You know you can do this. We can keep working through these issues in next week's session."

She gave a tight lipped smile and nodded, as she walked out the door.

So, what did you guys think? Feel free to message me if you would like! I would love some feedback, thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

Hey guys! Do you have any ideas on what you would like to see in the upcoming chapters? Let me know in a private message or review! I'm really happy that I was able to get chapter three up so quickly! Chapter four to come soon.

Chapter 3:

Nick stared at Olivia as she sat across from him. He had taken her out to a late dinner after their shift had ended. He cared about Olivia, and genuinely wanted to know how she was doing. After all, she had been through a lot.

But tonight, she was particularly distant and quiet. It was as if she were holding something back. He could tell that she had something to say, but she was too afraid to say it. He wanted to know, but he didn't want to press.

"You okay Liv? You've barely eaten." Nick finally said, breaking the long silence between the two.

She looked up at Nick and snapped out of her daze. He was right, she had barely taken a bite out of her burger, and she was pushing her salad around like a child rather than eating it.

"Yeah I'm fine," she started, but then remember why she agreed to come in the first place "No actually, I'm not fine."

Nick's eyes grew wide with concern, "What's wrong?"

Olivia felt her heart rate increasing, but she swallowed the fear in her throat and took a deep breath.

"Nick...I have to tell you something. I haven't told anyone yet."

Nick reached across the table and grabbed Olivia's hand, holding them and comforting her. "You know you can trust me" he said with a warm smile.

Olivia felt just slightly more at ease, but the pit of fear in her stomach was still nauseating enough to make her want to run into the bathroom and throw up the little food that she ate. Olivia looked in Nick's eyes, they looked so gentle and inviting. But Olivia still wanted to just say "nevermind" and pretend like she never said anything.

"Nick, I'm pregnant" she blurted out so quickly she didn't even recognize her own voice.

Nick's eyes grew wide, then he facial expressions relaxed.

"I knew that" Nick smirked.

"How?" Olivia asked, surprise evident in her voice.

"We spend enough time together, I could tell. Especially by the way you were getting sick all the time. I've seen with Maria."

Olivia gave him a funny look, then relaxed. "How long did you know?"

"Ever since you got back from leave," he smiled again, then it quickly faded as he realized "is the baby…"

"Yes," Olivia quickly cut him off.

He grabbed her hands once more, caressing them within his own, "How do you know? What about Brian?"

She shuddered at the mention of her ex-boyfriend's name. The man whose heart she broke. Days after her assault, she broke up with him. Feeling that she was unable to carry on a relationship with him. Pretend that everything is okay, after all that she's been through.

Part of her believed that he was relieved. She knew he loved her, but the past few months of their relationship have been so rocky, between the assault, the job changes, the move, just life. They wanted different things in their lives. They were in truly in love, but it made no sense for them to stay together. It was for the best, for both of them.

"Brian and I…" she began, it was odd talking about her personal relationship with her partner "we weren't together for a few weeks before the breakup" she awkwardly admitted.

"Which means…"

"Which means that Lewis is without a doubt the father" Olivia cut him off once more.

They sat together in silence for a moment. Nick still had Olivia's hands within his own. They were both processing the information shared.

"Are you okay?" Nick finally asked.

"I'm not sure" Olivia said, with a sad smile.

"You know I'm here for you Liv, no matter what you need, I'll always be here for you. Whether you need to make you dinner, or take you to the doctor, you can count on me."

"Thank you Nick, I appreciate that more than you know."

Nick gave her hand a squeeze, "I'm really glad you told me about this Liv. I don't want you going through this alone."

She returned the squeeze before letting go of his hands and beginning to finally eat her food.

With her nerves gone, she regained her appetite. She felt much better after confiding in Nick about her current situation. She was glad he didn't react with sadness, anger or pity for her. But he seemed happy for her and eager to help her through this confusing ordeal.

She was glad that she had the support, that she wouldn't be going through this completely alone. She had a friend, she had Nick.

Olivia walked into her dark and quiet apartment after Nick had dropped her off. She looked out her window and smiled.

Of course, Nick was outside waiting to make sure that she got to her apartment safely. She turned on the lights, and shortly after Nick drove away.

She began to settle in, and get ready to relax before she settled into bed, probably early, as she was frequently tired as of late, for obvious reasons.

She moved about her apartment, tidying up, making sure the place wasn't a complete mess. She had been struggling with that lately. She had been battling with her PTSD, depression and anxiety. She was a mess. But she kept up appearances for her squad. She wanted them to think that she was resilient and tenacious.

But the reality of the situation was that she was broken and afraid. She hated to admit that, that Lewis held so much power over her. That he had completely changed her life. She didn't want to let him wield that much power over her. But he had, he still has a grip on her that she can't seem to shake. She bets that he is cackling at her in hell. Probably ecstatic that he still has the upperhand on her, even in his death. Lewis was dead, and while he may not be able to hurt her physically, he was still able to get into her head.

The thought was enough to exhaust her and she sat on the couch with her head in her hands. She felt herself getting dizzy, and quickly moved to the kitchen to get a glass of water for herself.

But she stopped dead in her tracks, as she spotted a black and white photo, that was peeking out from beneath a mountain of unopened junk mail on her kitchen counter, that she wasn't sure why she didn't just throw out.

She snatched the photo from the pile and gave a blank stare. It was her sonogram. Looking at it made her angry, it made her sad. But then, she remembered what Nick had said to her, just over an hour before _"You know I'm here for you Liv, no matter what you need, I'll always be here for you."_

The thought gave her hope, but she the reality was that the baby belonged to Lewis. That was what he wanted, for her to never forget him and what he had done to her. The thought made her want to puke.

She hated that he had this much power over her. She wanted to be strong, for her, for her baby. But the task was proving to be difficult.

Finally, Olivia set the picture down. She acknowledged the fact that it would be a long and arduous journey. But Lewis would not win. She refused to let him consume her. She would fight to get better to excel. But the most difficult part, would be fighting him, while she has his baby.

How did you feel about this chapter? I'm excited to keep moving forward with this story. Hope you all enjoyed!


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